Stigmatized

Thinking that I probably am having a borderline personality disorder is a tad disturbing (though not exactly surprising), so I did more research over the Internet again.

Gathering from what I've scanned through, not all self-mutilators are borderlines, just like not all borderlines self-mutilate.

The fantastic thing about my little research on self-mutilation is finally understanding why i did it in the first place. (Yes, I've never really understood the scientific logic behind each cutting session all these yrs, other than the relief and happiness that comes after that.) And also, i realised that just because i did not cut myself recently doesn't mean I've stop the act altogether.
Because, according to many websites, self-mutilation, other than cutting, includes:

carving
scratching
branding
marking
burning/abrasions
biting
bruising
hitting
picking/pulling skin and hair

The last one is my fave. And once i start, i find it hard to stop. However, unlike cutting, which normally requires an event or emotion to trigger it, my hair pulling is usually impromptu. And highly enjoyable.

The others in bold happens when i do not have a knife/sharp objects around when the urge strikes.

Anyway, <http://www.focusas.com/SelfInjury.html> tries to explain why people like me self-mutilate.

"It reduces physiological and psychological tension rapidly.Studies have suggested that when people who self-injure get emotionally overwhelmed, an act of self-harm brings their levels of psychological and physiological tension and arousal back to a bearable baseline level almost immediately. In other words, they feel a strong uncomfortable emotion, don't know how to handle it (indeed, often do not have a name for it), and know that hurting themselves will reduce the emotional discomfort extremely quickly. They may still feel bad (or not), but they don't have that panicky jittery trapped feeling; it's a calm bad feeling. "

For me, this is my fave.
<http://teenagerstoday.com/resources/articles/mutilate.htm>
""Self-mutilation is a desperate attempt to have some control over unbearable feelings of aloneness, loneliness and helplessness," says Dr. Margaret Paul, therapist and co-author of Healing Your Aloneness, a book that examines self-mutilation. "When a teen or young adult has not learned healthy ways of managing these intense feelings, they turn to physical pain as a way to blot out the emotional pain or gain a sense of control over the pain they feel. In a strange way, they are really not trying to hurt themselves – they are trying to protect themselves from something even more painful than the physical pain.""

I can't say it better myself.

Alright, a HUGE cockroach just appeared in my sis's room and i missed hitting the asshole so it managed to escape behind their desk. Seeing the big bugger appear made me lose my train of precious and depressing thoughts so i shan't go on. Will try to kill the HUGE roach instead.

Trust me, it's so big that it freaks me out. Am contemplating if i shld wake my dad up to deal with the big fella. It's the grandpa cockroach. *shudders*

And if my mum or sis were to see it, they just might go bonkers.

<5>

Grandpa Roach made a flashy appearance soon after and I killed him with one of my sisters' notebooks (i sure hope they're not using it for sch). Anyway, though I dared to kill the disgusting roach, i didn't have the guts to pick up the half wriggly body (with the hairy twitchy legs *eew*) and flush it down the bowl. So i woke up my youngest sis which is quite a bad and stupid move because she didn't dare to pick up the grandpa roach either. Ended up, we still had to wake up our hero daddy.

And though Grandpa Roach is probably flushed down the sewers this very minute, i still can't help but keep looking ard the room, in case Grandpa Roach brought some company. *shudders at the thought*