Borderline Personality

Was watching one of Channel U's talk show with interest just now. The topic was about young people and depression and one of the young female guest was talking abt how she had self mutilated herself when she was down in the pits sometime ago.

Hearing how she described the sensation of self-mutilation was all too familiar. Pain is pleasure.

When the world throws too much pain, stress and heartache, just damage the physical self as an outlet for destress. The pain the body feels can take the mind way from the pains of the world. It's a temporary solution, but has always worked well... for me at least. Somehow, i feel better after a slashing session. The sight of blood oozing from the wounds can be rather soothing.

Pyschotic? Maybe. Maybe not. But i always thought it's just my way of destressing. Everyone has their own way to manage pain and stress. Some go swimming, some start eating uncontrollably, others go drinking. Mine is just to inflict physical pain on myself.

When did it all started? I can't remember, though i know i did all these very frequently when i was in secondary school. Apparently, it's not uncommon, esp among girls that age. I do not carve names on my hands though, that's not my style. I like slashes. One long straight line down my arm and, if i'm in a really bad mood, i'll just keep cutting over the same line repetitively so the wound is deeper. Or sometimes, I'll just cut crosses.

I think they look pretty sexy actually, when the swelling has stopped.

(Darling, are you starting to be afraid of me?)

My best friends who knew my self mutilation tendencies said i was pretty sick but they stood by me, nevertheless. My sister of course, said i was crazy. My parents don't know about this. It's just a matter of placing my hands strategically whenever they are around.

Do i still do it now?

Sometimes. Not as often as in Secondary school of course, but when the world seems too bleak and I feel so alone, I still seek refuge with the knife. The knife, which is both an enemy and friend. It has the power to protect and hurt at the same time.

Anyway, the psychologist in the talkshow mentioned that the girl is probably suffering from Borderline Personality. In his words, people with Borderline Personality have extreme and erratic behaviours and emotions. Borderline Personality people find it hard to maintain relationship with people.

Does that mean I have a borderline personality too?

Quoted from <http://www.jwoodphd.com/borderline_personality_disorder.htm>
"Unstable personal relationships
People with borderline personality disorder fear abandonment and make desperate attempts to maintain relationships. However, their perception of relationships is so unstable that a friend can become an enemy over an ordinary disagreement."

(To be honest, I have lost a couple of good friends through the years. Events and emotions triggered the reaction of course, but I've never viewed them as enemies. I just find it hard to pick up the pieces of a broken friendship and start all over again. Kinda awkward. Like a failed love relationship maybe?)

"Unstable self-image
This disorder is characterized by marked uncertainty in major life issues, such as life goals, sexual orientation, values, career choices, or types of friends."

(I don't quite understand this, so no comments.)

"Unstable emotions
Their emotional state can fluctuate dramatically from euphoria to intense anxiety to rage in a matter of hours or days. Typically, these emotional fluctuations are reactions to social interactions."

(Yes, I'm well-known for my unexplainable mood swings.)

"Little control over impulses
Reckless impulsivity may cause people with this disorder to act in self-destructive ways such as driving dangerously or bingeing on food, alcohol, or sex."

(Other than self-mutilation, i don't have any other self-destructive actions. Though i think of suicide from time to time.)

I also came across a diagnostic criteria for BPD too. <http://www.bpdworld.org/diagnotic_criteria.php>

"1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
5. Recurrent suicidal behaviour, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behaviour
6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness
8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

Anyone with 6 or more of the above traits and symptoms may be diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. However, the traits must be long-standing (pervasive) and there must be no better explanation for them (for example a physical illness, another mental illness or substance misuse). "

Looking through the list, I'm beginning to feel normal again.

Or am I?