Mel's Mall

After shopping at Suntec yesterday, I had decided.

If I had the money to build my own mall, I would apply the following rules:-

NO KIDS ALLOWED.
I hate kids. They are noisy, unruly and an absolute pain in the ass. Why would anyone wanna pop disgusting things like that from their cheebyes is beyond me. In my mall, kids are not allowed. I'll have poles for you to chain them outside. With the dogs.

No pets allowed
As much as I would love to allow this, I know many Singaporeans simply do not have the maturity, knowledge and responsibility to carry this off. Too many don't even bother to train their dogs properly making them a bane, sadly.

No teenagers allowed
Anyone below the age of 21 can get the fuck out of my mall. You belong to the same category as the kids. On top of that, most of you can't even earn your own keep. Try coming back after you've found a proper job and gained proper financial independance. Else, fuck off.

No aunties, uncles allowed
If you look like you belong to the wet market, you don't belong to my hip mall either. I don't fancy your loud voices and annoying bargaining. And your dress sense scares me. If you die die wanna step foot, dress up decently. And I mean dress up like your age. And write in to the management for an appeal. The process will take three working days.

No babies allowed
I told you, I hate kids. And that ugly brawling thing is not welcomed in my mall.

I'm considering banning pregnant ladies and old people as well but since I am feeling a tad generous, these people can enter my mall BUT keep to specifically designed lanes only. My walkways will have a divide to cater for these people so they won't hog the lanes and slow EVERYONE else down. And since you are all so paranoid about your fragile bodies, a lane with similar slow people will fit you just fine.



Shopping at my mall will be a fab experience. Welcome.