Charitable Singaporeans

Singaporeans are a whole freaking rich lot.

Never mind if many of them probably live their whole lives in debt. The fact that they can own a ridiculously priced home, parade around with their automobiles eating on sky-high petroleum, work their ass off at work while trying to pay friggin ridiculous rental, and survive on the dear cost of city living makes it plain that Singaporeans are loaded.

In fact, so loaded that the telly is showing a charity show YET again to suck off every single penny you have left.

Its so cliche. Show Singaporeans some sob sob stories, make the poor celebs perform death-inviting stunts, rope in some ITE students to run with Mr Who's Who, everyone on TV look oh-so-mournful maciam their families all died like that, manipulate a blind guy and make him keep asking "how many calls? how many calls?".

And before you know it. Shalala $3 million dollars!

Gee, it made me wonder if I could approach the telly station and get them to run a charity show of the animal shelters instead. I mean, since you Singaporeans are so rich, then I might as well take advantage right?

I can also propose the same sick formula.

And to be fair to all animals, I shall gather all non-profit animal organisations together to share the broth. (I'm such a nice person)

Gather the most pathetic looking animals in the shelters. For once, the ugliest, badly beaten, badly abused, skinniest, 3/2/1 legged, oh-so-pathetic looking ones will get a chance to shine in the limelight.

Get foster parents, adopters, rescuers to tell the sob sob story of each animal. The more jialat the story, the better. For best effect, must cry. For lagi best effect, make animal look half dead, maciam no more hope liao, unless people donate.

Torture the poor celebs. Demand that celebs look mournful. Cannot smile and must demonstrate the "call now" handsign whenever they are not doing their death defying stunts. Good to remind the public that some poor celebs injured themselves while rehersing for these stunts.

For some reason, the stunts must be very nerve wrecking. The celebs may die doing it but who really gives a damn as long as money comes in. So go ahead, make them go underwater for 1 hour, scale the Esplanade bare-footed, climb up a pole using their teeth, milk a cow with their toes and pull out their pubic hair with their noses.

Oh and yes, the animals themselves gotta perform also else public will not give money. And as the general public is a sadistic lot, the poor animals gotta play along as well too.

Lets all make the rabbits perform a hula dance. Oh, and if one of the rabbit ends up with an injured hip while doing so, promptly cry like no tomorrow and give "call now" sign else cutsey bunny will die cos no money for medical treatment.

Let's make the hamsters, chinchillas, mice and guinea pigs sing together. Well, considering the pitch of their voices, they all might end up fighting to be sopranos but what the hell. If the choir turns out to be a massacre in the end, you'll know what to do. Face the camera, pick up bleeding hammie and sob til the Yellow River overflows. Don't forget the "call now" sign. Very important.

Let's make the dogs walk upright on a suspended tiny thread while balancing two kitties, one on their head and another on their noses. To make things more exciting, parrots shall be riding unicyles on the suspended thread as well, and doggies have to do a graceful ballet jump (a la Swan Lake) over the unicycles without falling or dropping kitties. Again, in the event of any injuries, cry cry cry, "call sign", "call sign", "call sign".

Gee, I'm such a genius. -beams proudly-