Dying Inside

Life has been hell these days in the office.

Absolutely fucking hell.

I have so much tension inside me that I do not know where to start, how to start and when to start. It is a silent fury burning me from within, a fire of no name with no place to go, devouring me and slowly breaking me down.

I am at lost for words. For what is there to say when I don't even know WHAT to say? Find me a person who is kind enough to wait, patient enough to hear me out, and smart enough to understand, for it is then I can unlock this devastating anger from within. Til then, salvation is out of reach, and I mourn for the death of me.

And since we're in the middle of such impending darkness, it seems absolutely apt to talk about funerals. (I'm feeling suicidal right now, you see.)

I'm not sure if blogging out a "will" is justifiable in the eyes of Law (guess not cos it'll put lawyers out of biz) but hey, mai hiam buey pai. May my dear friends and loved ones know my last words should my life thread snap unexpectantly, before I have the moolah to actually draft an official one.

First and foremost, I hope you guys choose a decent photograph of me. If everyone's gonna kowtow to a picture of me (will they?) then you fucking make sure its pretty. Photoshop it if you have to, and gee I won't haunt you if you could give me bigger boobs too.

If I should die tomorrow, I would only have one worry and that's my dog. (I have sisters, so I'm not so worried about my parents) If my family can't/won't keep him, then at the very least, send him to a good home. It has to be a fucking good one because my boy had been abandoned at least once and I promised him he won't end up in the same shit again. Not if I can help it. Oh and please tell him how much I love him. He kinda measures love in quantities of cookies that you feed him, so just stuff him silly.

Send my love to Titan too. If I should leave before he comes to stay with me, then I have broken my promise to him and that I beg for his forgiveness. Cruel Fate and Heartless Time were not in favour of bringing us together permanently you see. They brought us to each other but never together forever. Its a cruel game they love to play. The sufferings of living beings make too great a movie to end.

My money goes to my family. All of it. They should be able to buy the more outdated model of Playstation 2 with it. If they want the latest shit, then they'll have to top up themselves I'm afraid. Sorry guys, but that's about all I have. -peace sign-

Oh, and know that I love all of you. In my own eccentric way of course.

Don't preach about what a fantastic and good girl I was when I was alive at my funeral. It will freak me out so much I might laugh in the coffin. One by one, speak up and tell everyone how I tortured you, how I inspired you, how I laughed at you or made you laugh. Make them laugh, make them cry. And let me know that I have made a difference in your life, no matter better or worse. An angel, a bitch. I am both and none.

Don't wear black. I hate it when people look skinnier than me. Come in with hues of the rainbow. It's gonna be my last party so make it a fucking good one. I don't give two farts about tradition in general. Remember me in your hearts and not in the colours that you wear.

Oh and can I request that my coffin be laced with pink fur within? That's so hip don't you think? Talk about living and dying in style. Please dust it nicely before resting me in because I am fucking allergic to dusts. Trust me, you won't want to hear me sneezing in there.

I am glad to have lived my life so. I have met good hardy friends, who had to tolerate my nonsense and somehow maintained their sanity. I have met assholes who pissed me off so much I can't wait to haunt them when I'm really gone. I have met colleagues whom I love dearly. They are my anchors of strength, my choir of guardian angels when I screw up again, again and yet again. Guys, you have my thanks.

I have my sisters who never fail to irritate and be irritated. They are my allies to keeping my dog alive (not that they had much of a choice to begin with). My parents of course, whom I know love me in their own special way and whom I love too, in a cool stylish Mel way of course.

I've met good lovers, bad lovers, some I love, others forgotten. Thanks for the love you all had showered me, once upon a time. To my current tender lover, I thank you for your patience and love too. I will tabao the times we shared together in a little pocket of my heart forever.

To all the dogs I have known, petted, kissed and loved, I will miss all of you. Perhaps, we will all meet in a place again and if so, lets fucking hope its a place not as screwed up as this one.

-melodramatic music fades down-

For now I live.